onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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