Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
