Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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