Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
