I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
