this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
