Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
