This is not my ceiling
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
