Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
