just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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