We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
