when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
