Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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