Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
