She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
