He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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