i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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