hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
My breasts were aching with rage.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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