i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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