you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
