Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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