My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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