susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
