tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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