Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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