I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
