New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
