im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
They have beer where we have blood.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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