Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You ate ashes out of my bong
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
