i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
