My sheets look like a crime scene.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
