Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
