I like my sex mixed with concussions.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
