Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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