Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He shit in the fireplace
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
