I just pynch a tree in the face
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
