My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
