if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
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