Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
