and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
