I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize