I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
