I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
