I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
