I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
