I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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