She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
