when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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