My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
