I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
