you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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