i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
