If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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