After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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