I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
