I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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